lilgryphon: (zephyr qull)
( Nov. 26th, 2009 10:02 pm)

I thought it was time I make a master post of my writing so that it is a bit easier to find what you’re looking for if you’ve found your way here.  This will also be the only time I'm going to 'warn' for slash. If M/M relationships bother you it's time to hit the back button.

Rajala Universe

If you spend time reading my journal you’ll find that I mention Rajala or Tiger Eyes frequently. TE is the novel that I’ve been working on for years, but have recently started a serious edit for it. I’ve been swaping chapters with Skimble, whose journal you should check out; she has some amazing characters of her own. I allow very limited access to TE, but I do have a couple short pieces that take place in Rajala that I’ve left public.


A Royal Mage in service to Rajala is desperate to return home and confront rumors and truths.


My own little fanfiction with Bryan as my victim…A quick oneshot. 

Full Circle

This is a piece that I work on whenever I find the chance. It started out as a short story, but in most cases I tend to write things that are either very short or epic length. I don’t know which one this is going to be yet. I hate to give it a true summery because this is one of those pieces that needs to unfold for the reader. Still a WIP.

Part One
Part Two

Black and White

The Black and White series began with the short story – wait for it – Black and White. I had originally planned to use this concept in one of my Rajala pieces, but I couldn’t seem to make it fit with the characters that I had intended it for. Then one day I sat down and wrote almost the entire piece in one sitting. The series explores the life of Jack and his best friend David, and later Shawn. If the names sound familiar to anyone, I swear, Jack and David were purely random names I had picked and once *I* made the connection I was already attached to them. This began as something to work on when TE just wasn't flowing, and now it's become quite addicting for me.

Black and White

David’s having issues concentrating in class, and Jack finds the entire situation amusing.

It's Jack

Shawn’s facing finals and Yale in the coming fall, it’s time to leave a part of his life behind, and he’s not sure he’s ready to.

This isn't Arcata - WIP

isn’t Arcata and Shawn’s still trying to sort it all out.

Part 1
Part 2


It's here, finally!! This piece was a request from Skimble to take Kennan from my Rajala universe and Jack from my Black and White series and put them in the same story. I'm still not sure if I'm entirely happy with it for various reasons, but here it as.


All I Want to Touch is You )

Full post of It's Jack, just to simplify things.


It's Jack )
lilgryphon: (Jack/Shawn)
( Jun. 14th, 2009 03:12 am)

I really need a better name for this piece. I hope you don't mind these aren't really edited, I doubt I'll ever spend that kind of time on them. Here's another small entry, I thought I'd give you something light in exchange for chapter 10.  I'll probably have to write the conclusion tomorrow just so I can move onto something else.  I'm off for bed...

            Jack made it as far as his truck, feeling a little ill and wishing for a shower. He got in, slammed the door shut and was trying to decide if he should actually be driving when a monotone ringing started coming from his glove box.

            If that’s Shawn I swear to God I’m leaving for California.

            He reached over, twisted open the latch and pulled out his cell. David’s name was displayed on the screen, and Jack realized he had never wanted to be with him more than he did in that moment.

            Fumbling with the buttons he pressed send to connect the call, “Dave?” his voice was hollow, even to his own ears.

            “Jack!” David was clearly too excited to have heard the distress in his tone, “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you all night, don’t you ever carry your phone?”

            “Sorry, you weren’t the only one,” he was starting to resolve that maybe he should start carrying the damn thing.

            This time around David caught the distress, “Shawn mentioned he’d been calling. Aren’t you home yet?”



            “I’m in the parking lot.”

            “I knew something was wrong when I talked to Shawn earlier, he was pretty upset. Spill it, Jack, or I swear I’m going to put you both on three way and you can hash it out over the phone.”

            Jack rolled his eyes, “It was just a stupid fight.”

            “Then why are you still outside?”

            Good question, Dave. “Because things are getting too complicated, maybe we moved to fast. You know how bad I wanted this to work, but it just – isn’t.”

            “Shit, Jack, seriously?”

            “Yeah,” he paused; he hated talking to anyone about this, even if it was David. “I mean things have been stressful, we’re both busy all the time, and I can handle that but – it’s Shawn, he’s turned into a complete closet case.” Jack waited, and began to wonder if the call had dropped, “Dave?”

            “Sorry, it’s just – I can’t say I’m exactly surprised. I had assumed it wasn’t an issue because you hadn’t mentioned it. I thought maybe the two of you had just worked through it.”

            “Worked through what?”

            “Honestly, you can be so dense. How many people, not counting roommates, know that Shawn is gay?”

            “I dunno, I’ve never really thought about it –”

            “Clearly. He told us and the other guys, but Shawn’s never really been out. He’s dated maybe twice, not counting you. His parents still don’t know, and I don’t know if they ever will. I can’t believe you have never noticed, I thought the two of you had talked about stuff like this, even before you were together.”

            If he had felt ill earlier Jack was now completely nauseous, “He was always so private about men, I just never pressed him. Obviously I didn’t want to play the ‘who have you been with’ game after we were dating, so I didn’t ask.”

            David snorted, “He’s lived with you for almost five years; I think Shawn knows your history.”

            Jack’s stomach continued to churn after every exchange, “Do you know why?” This was one of those things that made him feel like a fish out of water when he should be swimming in it. Jack had never really been in the closet, he’d told David he was gay when he was fourteen, maybe a month after he’d pieced it together himself. The entire concept had always seemed a little absurd to him, you were who you were and hiding from it didn’t make it go away.

            “I haven’t a clue, because it’s Shawn, and he doesn’t talk about it.”

            And now he needed to talk about it, and Jack was sitting in his truck after making this about him – when it really wasn’t. If he had just gone to Shawn when all this first started it wouldn’t have turned into the raging storm it was now. “I’m an idiot, Dave.”

            Another pause, and then honesty, “Yeah, you can be. Get back in your apartment, will you?”

            “I’m opening the door to my truck right now,” he told him, reaching for the handle, “What’d you want anyway?”

            “Nothing important, just go find Shawn and call me in the morning.” David ended the call as Jack headed back across the parking lot.


lilgryphon: (Jack/Shawn)
( Jun. 13th, 2009 05:22 pm)

This is because I cannot turn these two off - I can't! I'm not even sure I want to try anymore...I spent the entire morning typing this up. I 'm heading over to my mom's place for a few hours, and I'm hoping when I get back I can work on something else. If not, well, you'll get more Jack/Shawn and I'm not hearing any complaints...Watch out, angst ahead!!


            Shawn looked at the clock again and sighed, it was rapidly approaching seven. He had made dinner reservations for six and the movie he was supposed to be seeing would be starting in less than an hour. And still, no Jack. They didn’t get the chance to go out often, not with the amount of schoolwork he had faced in his first semester at Yale. After having just finishing his midterms he figured it would be a good time to leave his books and get the hell out of the apartment for an evening.

            Now he was sitting on the couch, copying notes from a text because his boyfriend had decided not to come home from work. Jack often came home late, but they had been planning to go out for more than a week. Shawn had tried calling his cell, and had picked his own up to do it again, before grudgingly setting it back down. There was already going to be four – maybe five missed calls when Jack finally got to his truck and realized he had left it in the glove box, again. If he bothered to even get it out; this wasn’t the first time that Shawn had come to the conclusion that Jack having a cell phone was not worth fifty bucks a month.

            As if glaring at the offending piece of electronics had willed it to come alive, his cell started to ring. It wasn’t Jack, he knew without picking it up, because when Jack called, on those rare occasions, the melody of I’ll Cover You, from Rent was his ringtone. No it was playing La Vie Boheme, also from Rent, which meant that it had to be one of his close friends, that small circle that had not so long ago been living under the same roof.

            Shawn picked it up, saw David’s name on the screen and sighed; he really didn’t want to talk to Jack’s best friend at the moment. Shawn was also close with David, too close, because he might say something about Jack’s absence that he would want to retract later.

            He flipped it open, “Hey.”

            “Shawn?” David’s voice was bordering on deliriously happy, and Shawn was already regretting answering the phone.


            “Is Jack with you? I’ve been trying to reach him all night; I’ve got some fantastic news.”

            “Join the club; I’ve been calling him for the past two hours. He’s probably still under a car, you know Jack,” Shawn told him bitterly.

            “You guys okay?” David’s voice had lost the exuberance from the beginning of the call. Hearing the concern made Shawn guilty, David didn’t get that excited to often.

            “Uh huh,” he told him dismissively, “What’s up?”

            “I got a job!” The excitement was back, “A real job, I mean, it’s just at The Post and it doesn’t pay much – but I’ll be writing. Little stuff, of course, but it’s going to give me some experience, and you know you can’t buy that.”

            “That’s great, Dave,” Shawn said, genuinely happy for David’s fortune. He had been trying to find a job as a journalist for almost six months. David wasn’t used to failure, he had been at the top of his classes, and every time a job had turned him down for lack of experience it chipped a little more of his confidence away. When he had mentioned giving up and taking a job in retail Jack had threatened to get on a plane just to knock him over his head for the stupidity.

            “Look, just don’t tell Jack until I get the chance to talk to him, alright?” the concern returned, “You sure you two are doing okay?”

            “Of course. Things are just a bit – stressful, I suppose. We’re both extremely busy.” Just as Shawn was always in class or studying, Jack was always at work. He put in extra hours, trying to stash some cash into his savings after the unexpected move to New Haven had drained it. They got by, mostly because they rarely went out, and their apartment was a studio. Shawn’s family sent him some money, but they had been more than a bit stingy when he had told them he had chosen to live with Jack instead of his friend Tony. They had assumed that the two of them had an argument over the living arrangements, and Shawn hadn’t wanted to enlighten them. If they had known just how close the quarters were he kept with Jack they might have reconsidered his monthly stipend. He had his own money, left to him from his grandmother’s will, but it was almost exclusively a college fund, and Jack wouldn’t want him to touch it anyway.

            “Only busy?”

            “Yes,” he sighed, “I really don’t want to talk about it, Dave.” He had always gone to David with his problems before, but once he and Jack had started dating he tried to keep their relationship between the two of them. It wasn’t that they had a lot of problems; it was that their lives had been turned upside down in less than a year. Sometimes Shawn felt as if they had moved to fast, and other’s he knew it wasn’t fast enough. He loved Jack, wanted him more than anything he had ever wanted before, but sometimes between Jack and Yale it was a bit too much.

            “If you want to talk, you know how to find me? Tell Jack I called.”

            “I will.”

            “Take care of yourself, Shawn,” he told him.

            Shawn found the continued concern comforting, even if he thought it was an overreaction, “I will, Dave,” he repeated.

            He closed the phone, looked at the clock, again, and then back to his notes. I should have spent the evening watching Rent, he reflected, at least that would have been enjoyable.


            It wasn’t until Jack pulled into the apartment complex at almost nine that he realized what day it was.


            Shawn was going to kill him. He had promised to leave work by five so they would have time to go out, something that they were starting to only do every once in a blue moon. When had things became so complicated? Had it really been that long ago that they had begged Tony to bunk with Dave that last summer in Arcata? It had been simple then, Yale had still been months away, and their relationship had been blissfully new.

            Jack had waited until almost the last minute to decide to move to New Haven, in fact it had been when Tony was pressing Shawn to finalize the plans for an apartment near campus. They had discussed trying the long distance thing, one of them flying back and forth at least once a month, but after David had mentioned moving to a larger city himself staying behind seemed pointless. Besides, Jack had wanted to be with Shawn, he could work on cars just about anywhere. They could pool some money together and worry about where they would live after Shawn graduated. Those were big dreams for a couple that was just starting out, but Jack had never really committed to anyone before – and he wanted to commit to Shawn.

            Jack braced himself at their doorway, wondering how he was ever going to make up the night. He slipped off his shoes before unlocking the door and stepping inside. Shawn was on the wooden futon that served as couch and bed, legs crossed underneath him. There wasn’t a book, paper, or pen in sight, it was one of the rare occasions that Shawn had turned on the TV. His not so rare choice of entertainment – Rent. Shawn loved musicals, that one in particular, Jack had heard the soundtrack so many times that he had known all the words before they had ever dated. He had always teased Shawn that musicals were so stereotypical of gay men, but secretly found it cute that his lover could be such a fan boy.

            Shawn’s eyes did not move from the screen, “Good to know you’re still alive.”

            “I’m sorry,” Jack told him, shutting the door, “I forgot.”

            Shawn whipped his head to look at him, “You forgot? I’ve been calling you for the past four hours. Tell me, what is the point in paying for a phone that you don’t use?”

            “I don’t want to get it greasy,” it was a lame excuse. Jack hated the grime that came with his job, but he hated being tied to a phone more. He would never be one of those people that had to have their cell with them at every waking moment, or texting instead of talking to people because it was just more convenient.

            “Fine, leave it in your truck, but would it kill you to check it every now and then?”

            “Look, I said I was sorry.”

            “It was one night, one God damn night, Jack,” he snapped, “You’re never here.”

            “And you are?” Jack challenged him. Shawn had broached a touchy subject that they had both spent too long ignoring. “Even when you are here you’re not here. You’re too busy being buried in Roe VS Wade or some shit.”

            Shawn finally switched off the television, “Roe VS Wade, seriously? Do you even know why I even want to be here?” his fingers moved restlessly across the arm of the futon, “It sure as hell isn’t because I’m worried about women’s rights on abortion. I had one paper, one on Roe VS Wade over a month ago.”

            Jack sighed, “What do you want from me, Shawn?”

            “To know you care!”

            “To know I care?” it hurt, and stirred up more than the lack of time they had spent together. The argument no longer had anything to do with a missed dinner date. “Do you even comprehend what I’ve given up for you? I moved over three thousand miles to a city where I know no one save my boyfriend –”

            “Tony’s here,” Shawn felt compelled to point out.

            “Tony isn’t my boyfriend – who by the way, is still hiding in the closet.”

            “What?” the edge in Shawn’s voice was fading.

            “You are in the closet,” he spoke the words slowly, as if explaining it to a child, “and it’s driving me mad!” Jack hadn’t noticed when they’d still been in Arcata, but there they had been surrounded by people they had known. Even though David, Tony, Will, and particularly Ethan had been put off by the initial relationship the unease had faded quickly. It wasn’t until after, once they had reached New Haven Jack had realized that Shawn pulled away from his touch if they were anywhere public. He never brought anyone home, not even to study, and the few people Jack had met he had been introduced as Shawn’s roommate. The first time he had dismissed it, but every time thereafter it stung.

            “I am not!”

            Jack shook his head in disbelief, “God, do you really not see it? You won’t even touch me outside these walls. I’m not asking you to make out in the park, just to not freak out if I reach for your hand when were walking down the street. Have you told anyone that I’m not just your roommate?” he challenged, “You think it’s easy to tell a garage full of mechanics that you’re gay? Gay men aren’t supposed to know how to check their oil or tire pressure, let alone how to change a motor. They're supposed to be prissy and feminine – those guys give me hell all the time because I love you. I just can’t do this, Shawn, I can’t.”

            “What are you saying?”

            “I don’t know. I have to go, I need to breathe.” Jack had to get out; before he said something he would be unable to take back.


That's it, I'm going to have to write more about these two. I've got a couple more ideas in the works, *grins evilly* but I've got to spend some time in Rajala for a a few days at least. I hope you enjoy!!

           Where was he supposed to start? Shawn had been waiting for Jack to come home for hours. Once David and the others had left he had convinced himself that he was just going to say it, just get it out there, done and over with. He had ordered a pizza at around seven, fully expecting Jack would return before it got there. They could have sat at the table hashing out their day with a few slices that had everything on it (Jack’s favorite) and Shawn could have found some way to tell him.

            It had seemed like a perfect plan, or as near to it as Shawn was like to get; but Jack hadn’t come home. The rest of his roommates had returned just before ten, and after driving himself crazy waiting for Jack to return, Shawn went back to his studying, or had tried to.

            Now, thanks to David, Jack wanted to know what he had spent those hours worrying over, and saying it seemed all the more complicated with him actually in the room.

            “Shawn?” Jack asked, apparently he had waited a bit too long to answer him. There was no way to make this less awkward, he realized, and even if there was, thought had escaped him.

            Jack was standing in front of him, half naked. How many times had he seen him in that worn pair of pajamas? Shawn couldn’t recall ever looking, really looking at him before. He should have been thankful that the room was mostly dark, because if it hadn’t been –

            Say something, his mind screamed. He couldn’t, there was nothing to say.

            Jack stood, looking down at him, “Shawn?” he repeated, “Look, I don’t know what I’ve done but –”

            Was he really listening? All Shawn knew was that after he had stood they were so close. If Jack leaned down, just a little – Why was he waiting? He had waited all night for Jack to come home and now he was right in front of him.

            It’s Jack, he reminded himself, not knowing if that was a comfort or hindrance. Without giving thought to a retreat Shawn lifted himself onto his toes and pressed his lips to Jack’s. It seemed easier than words, but nervous and clumsy; the way a first kiss should be. Bliss lasted for only a brief moment before Shawn’s wits returned and he hastily pulled away.

            “Oh,” he mumbled, returning his heels to the ground, “Jack – I’m sorry, I –” His words were cut off when Jack pressed a finger to his lips.

            “Why?” he whispered. His arms encircled Shawn’s waist, pulling him closer. This time it was Jack that pressed his lips to Shawn’s, and for him there was no hesitation. Hands that had been firmly kept at Shawn’s sides found their way around Jack’s neck and he answered by deepening the kiss. Their tongues met, and one of Jack’s hands moved from his waist to his back, needing to somehow bring Shawn nearer. It was impossible, but that didn’t stop Jack from trying.

Just when Shawn thought he would pass out from lack of oxygen, and yet unwilling to move away, Jack broke the kiss. He still held him, and Shawn allowed himself to rest his head against his bare chest, content to just be there.

“When did you know?” Jack asked.

“Today,” Shawn told him, “But I think I’ve felt this way for a long time. You?”

“Just now,” he felt Jack kiss the top of his head, “All this time you’ve been right here.”

Shawn laughed; it seemed like the only appropriate response.


            David woke to the sound of his alarm clock’s shrill beeping. He had never been able to wake to the sound of music, any music, all it did was put him back to sleep. The beeping drove Jack crazy. There was no sound of complaint from the bed across from him, not even a groan, and when David groggily opened his eyes he found that it was empty. More then empty, it was still perfectly made.

            Curious he got up and made his way to the kitchen, and then poked his head around the corner to the living room. Jack was on one end of the couch, legs drawn up beside him and his hand supporting his head. Shawn, still fully dressed in his clothes from the day before, was curled up at his side.

            David was a little surprised, even after his talk with Shawn. This hadn’t been one of those attractions that everyone saw but the two people involved. He would be willing to bet every dollar he had that no one else who knew them had seen it either. Here the pair of them were, all chaste (which was not like Jack), and for lack of a better word, cuddling. He could only imagine the look on the face of Will or Ethan when they came looking for breakfast.

            Before he could decide whether or not to wake them Jack’s eyes opened, as if he had sensed his intrusion. “Shawn wanted to ‘talk’, Dave?” he smiled.

            “I couldn’t exactly tell you, now could I?” Jack’s grin was almost unsettling, like a cat in cream, “You might as well wake him up, or you’ll both be late for class.”

            “To hell with that,” he muttered, leaning his head back, “We were up until four in the morning, talking, mind you.”


            “Well, mostly,” the grin widened, “I mean to get some sleep. Besides, I never finished that paper anyway.”

            David shook his head and headed back down the hallway. It seemed he’d get to see the look on Will and Ethan’s face after all.

*So do you think I need a slash warning? Actually if people need a warning in regards to slash they are reading the wrong journal. Slash warnings bug the shit out of me, especially if there is no actual sex involved....why do you need a warning for kissing, honestly.
lilgryphon: (Jack/Shawn)
( Jun. 12th, 2009 10:50 pm)
I totally need a 'It's Jack' icon... Here's the next part in our little story, its still not finished, but I plan on finishing it up tonight. I just wanted to keep teasing you along the way.  :P

Jack hadn’t realized how late it was until he finally exited the garage after having spent countless hours at work.  It was full dark, the outside only lit by the occasional headlights and streetlamps.  He climbed into his pickup and turned on the ignition, startled that the numbers displayed on the digital clock on the dashboard, 11:05. He often left the shop late, but never before had it been this close to midnight.  Sometimes under a car he forgot about the outside world and his boss did not care how much time he spent in the pit, as long as he cleaned up afterward.  His best friend, David, however, wouldn’t approve of his lateness.  He would need to be up by six to reach his morning classes on time, and he hadn’t bothered to finish the paper that was due in the early afternoon, either.  That paper was going to be the first thing David would inquire about when he walked through the door. Well, at least Jack hadn’t been out drinking, that would have really agitated him.

It was only a short ride home, and from the driveway it appeared that most of the household had turned in for the night.  The windows were dark, save for the one in the back that marked the room he shared with David, no doubt David was still studying. Another soft glow was radiating from the front room window that couldn’t count as true light; likely Shawn had left his computer on as usual.

            Jack parked on the street, the driveway was already full with other vehicles; and cut across the grass to the front door.  After pulling off his grease covered work boots he slipped inside, trying to remain quiet for the benefit of his roommates.  Almost immediately his eyes fell towards the desk in the corner.  Shawn had left his computer on, but he was still in front of it, head pillowed on one of the pages of his giant text book he had left open.  He grinned, it wasn’t the first time he had found him the exact same position, but it would likely be one of the last.  For a brief moment Jack contemplated waking him, but decided against it.  Shawn never allowed himself to get enough sleep, and if he woke him he was just going to spend another hour, or more; trying to read over a text that he had already spent the day rigorously studying.

            After leaving Shawn to his slumber Jack made his way down the hall to the room he shared with David.  Light shone under the door, and he opened to find his roommate hunched over his desk, still pouring over notes.

            “Late night?” David inquired, not bothering to look up.

            “Yeah,” Jack replied, striping off his filthy shirt, “Looks like you’ve had one, too.”

            David closed the notebook, stood and then stretched, “I always do.  You see Shawn?”

            Jack was rummaging for a pair of sleep pants in his dresser, fully intending to shower and change before lying down on clean sheets.  The grease and dirt never bothered him while he was working, but once he had finished he had to remove it as soon as possible or it drove him mad.

            He flashed David a half smile, “He fell asleep at his desk, again.  Don’t know how he manages to pass any of his classes when they seem to put him to sleep so easily,” he joked.

            “One of us should wake him, or he’ll be there all night,” David paused, “He mentioned he wanted to talk to you.”

            Jack shrugged, “Alright,” he reached for a towel, “Just let me get the grime off first; you know it drives me nuts.”

            “Deal,” David told him, yawning, “I’m exhausted, don’t expect me to still be awake when you’re done.”  Without further comment he flopped onto his bed, and Jack couldn’t help shaking the feeling that he had just been dismissed from his own room as he left it.

            It wasn’t until Jack had finished showering and pulled on the loose drawstring pants that he realized that David hadn’t asked him about that paper. David always asked about his schoolwork, he kept tabs on it better than Jack ever had. He ran the towel roughly through his short hair to dry it, still pondering David’s behavior. Jack hadn’t been around lately, and neither had David, not now that Emily was in his life. Had something passed between them that Jack had somehow missed? David just wasn’t David tonight, he was certain of it.

            By the time he stepped out of the bathroom Jack had convinced himself that he had somehow upset David, and he wasn’t about to let it stew throughout the night. He needed sleep, hell, they all did, but finding out what had caused this rift was his new priority. The glow had disappeared from under his door; he reached for the knob, ready to turn it, when he remembered his promise to wake Shawn. It was starting to feel like a very long night.

            Jack trudged back to the living room, unsure if he should be cursing or blessing this new distraction from David. Shawn was still curled up in front of his computer, goldfish swimming across the monitor. He hated the thought of breaking that slumber, but, hell, Shawn was going to be sore in the morning if he stayed there all night – and the sooner Jack woke him the sooner he could get back to his own room.

            After Shawn gave him no response when he said his name, twice, Jack placed a hand on his shoulder and shook it lightly. Shawn twitched, and then seemed to jerk awake before bolting upright. He brought a hand up to his forehead, and turned his head slightly in Jack’s direction.


            “Who else?” he removed his hand, “You should stop studying to the point of exhaustion, it makes it harder to recall the information later when you need it.” He was grinning, hardly visible when the only light was from a screensaver, but even Jack was unsure if it had been entirely a joke.

            Shawn returned the smile, “You spend more time under the hood of the car than any of us spend studying, including David.”

            Jack shrugged, “I enjoy it, it hardly looks as if you are enjoying this,” he moved away from Shawn to sit on the corner of the desk, “Speaking of our friend Dave, he said you wanted to talk to me.”

            “Well – yeah –” Shawn's voice broke off and he rolled the chair backwards to stand next to Jack. His fingers moved unconsciously across the wood, and Jack knew that gesture all too well. Had he somehow upset half the household? His mind ran through the past week, and all he could come up with were blank answers. He hadn’t been there.

            “So?” he prompted, starting to feel like one of the animated goldfish behind him trapped in a very small bowl.

lilgryphon: (Jack/Shawn)
( Jun. 12th, 2009 01:12 am)
Alright Skimble, you got your wish, here's some Jack and David for you - although right now it's more Shawn than anything. This piece isn't complete, it came out a lot longer than I thought it would; but I reached a good stopping point. As always, its not really edited, I am *so* sick of editing right now! I'm off to work on Rajala some more, but if I get stuck you may see more of 'It's Jack' tonight.

            Shawn Collins took a deep breath, and wondered how many times he had already read the paragraph before him.  Absentmindedly, he ran his hand through his hair and then tried once again to focus his eyes and mind on the page of his law text.  After glancing at the clock he realized the same two pages had been in front of him for the last twenty minutes, and he didn’t even know what subject he was reading.  He had finals in two days, and he didn’t have time for distractions, yet distracted he was.

            If he ever managed to study and pass his exams he’d be graduating with a bachelor’s degree at the end of the month.  Which, he was forced to accept was part of the problem.  He had taken his undergraduate studies at a local collage, fully against the wishes of his parents.  Now that he had begun to seriously pursue becoming a lawyer they wanted him to finish at Yale, and he had been accepted.

            Money wasn’t an issue, his parents had more then enough on their own, and his grandmother had left him a sizable collage fund when she passed away.  It was his leaving that kept gnawing at him.  Yale was on the east coast, and his life had always been in California.  By taking classes in Arcata he had been able to be far enough away from his parents for the freedom of his own life; yet had been lucky enough to share that life in a house off campus with five of his closest friends.

Three of them, Ethan, Tony, and Will he had known since childhood.  Their parents knew his own, and therefore their living arrangements had been fully acceptable by all parties.  They were still fairly close knit, and perhaps of the three he was closest with Tony.  He seemed to share the most in common with him, and they were both studying law; which would give him one friendly face at Yale.  Ethan would be done with school after graduation, he had only attended to please his parents, and Will would be going on to medical school.

The other two, Jack and David, had been educated alongside them since elementary, but they had never even properly spoken until their senior year of high school.  After an accidental scuffle that had almost come to blows he and Jack had surprisingly become fast friends, and wherever Jack went, David did.  Of course, in the case of collage it had been more of Jack following David.  David was the resident bookworm in their household; and if it were not for him Jack wouldn’t even be graduating, not that he seemed to care one way or another.  He would be the first to admit that the only reason he had even attended collage was because David had.  When Jack wasn’t at home he was at his part time job in a garage fixing cars.  An odd choice, anyone who knew him would agree, but he loved it.

Shawn tapped his pencil impatiently alongside his desk.  It should be easy to study right now, the house was uncharacteristically quite.  Jack was working, Will and Ethan, the party animals, were both in class, and David was having a late lunch with his girlfriend Emily.  This only left Tony, who was also home, but submerged in his own studies in his room.  They were, after all, both facing the same tough finals.

What was it about leaving that agitated him so?  It would be sheer heaven to escape his parents’ watchful gaze, and they wanted him to go.  Tony expected that they would get a small place together, and the two of them had already shared a room for four years, he was an ideal roommate.  They wouldn’t have the constant coming and going of the others and could focus solely on their education, which was what one needed to do to survive Yale.  Distractions made it difficult to achieve the necessary grade to get a top spot in a firm after graduation.

It wasn’t Yale, that much he knew; and it wasn’t leaving California, either.  No, he slowly realized, it was that they had suddenly reached the end.  He glanced around the living room.  They had lived in the same location for all four years of collage, including the summers.  It had slowly become home to him, and a better home than his parent’s house had ever been.  There he had been an only child, but now he had five brothers that each had a unique place in his daily life.  Now he was about to leave them behind. 

Will and Ethan wouldn’t be there with their crazy antics at all hours.  He smiled, Hell, they are the ones that always seem to have beer.  They knew just when a cram session was too much, and how to get anyone to close their text when it was really sleep they would need to pass an exam.  Of course, they were the first ones there to celebrate when midterms and finals came back with passing grades.

David was always useful for those cram sessions, or when an assignment just didn’t make sense – even if he had never taken the class.  Perhaps even more valuable was the fact that you could always go to with a problem, even if you just needed someone to listen.  In that aspect, he didn’t always have the answer, but just knowing you could turn to him was a comfort they had all taken for granted. Whatever you told David, you knew he wouldn’t breathe a word of it to anyone, even Jack.

And Jack.  Jack was carefree, and yet always there with a helping hand, as long as it didn’t pertain to schoolwork.  He was also the one that managed to keep the household reasonably clean and tidy. He didn’t do all of the housework on his own, but he did more than his own fair share.  After he had spent over an hour to clean the kitchen while you studied it made you feel guilty if you couldn’t take three minutes to take out the garbage.  An apartment with only Shawn and Tony to clean was going to become a disaster zone almost immediately without him to rein them in.  Jack was so, Jack; hard to describe, and even harder to forget. 

That was when realization dawned, as he sought for words to describe someone that there weren’t words to describe – least of all ones that matched these feelings that were rising inside him.  Leaving the others wasn’t what he feared.  He would miss them, of course, but they had simply reached that point where it was undeniably time to grow up.  But the thought of leaving Jack – that was what caused the ache in his gut.  That sense of sheer loss and despair.

He tried to search his memories, to pinpoint exactly when Jack had ceased being a simple friend and had suddenly become so much more.  Try as he might he didn’t know when it had happened.  Every memory he looked back on now seemed to already contain these feelings.  As if he had always known.  Perhaps he had.

Finally after running his hand through his hair once more, he closed the textbook, completely giving up on studying and instead began to pace the living room.  His acceptance of this sudden attraction presented several issues if he decided to act upon it.  The very thought seemed maddening to him, and yet inaction even more so.

Thankfully, one thing he need not fear was that this crush – or whatever it was, was not someone that couldn’t return it. Jack had been open about his sexuality since before Shawn had properly known him, in fact it had been one of the things that had in a round about way led to their friendship. At the time Shawn hadn’t told anyone his own feelings, not even his friends, and he still hadn’t told his parents. Once they accepted Jack, and frankly, everyone in their high school knew, it had been a lot easier for Shawn to tell them. Jack wasn’t flamboyant, and he certainty didn’t fit any stereotypes, people knew because he had never attempted to hide it. When he had found his latest lover the world knew.  They were the only two that shared this preference in their little circle of friends, giving them a bond that the others could never really understand.  He swallowed, and then froze in mid-pace, but would Jack understand this?

It was a risk he didn’t know if he was willing to take.  Losing Jack forever would tear at him for the rest of his life, and would likely cost him David as well.  Even if some divine power intended for them to share a life together, he didn’t see how it was remotely possible.  It was too late for him to simply walk away from Yale, and he didn’t see how Jack could follow him there. 

Really, worrying about how to make a relationship work that didn’t even exist was getting a bit ahead, and he knew it.  However, this knowledge didn’t stop him from doing so.  First he had to figure out how to tell Jack, or rather, if he was going to.

As if on queue the front door opened, and David walked in.  He looked at Shawn a little oddly before closing the door.

“You alright?”

 He froze, was he really that transparent?

“Yeah, why?”

In response David walked across the length of the room and ruffled his hair like a small child.  Shawn recoiled; he loathed having his hair touched.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this,” he paused, as if trying to select the most appropriate word for the situation at hand, “Disheveled, not even after one of your all night parties.”  David didn’t approve of drinking, but aside from the various good-natured jokes he dropped now and then he had never berated the others for doing it.  Even Will and Ethan, which Shawn gathered must have been quite difficult for him. “Honestly, your hair is a mess.”

Appalled, Shawn attempted to smooth the ash brown locks back to where they should have been, but judging by the look on his friend’s face he was clearly not succeeding.

“Seriously, Shawn, what’s going on?”

He hesitated; he didn’t like to discuss men with anyone, except rarely someone else that shared his tastes.  Of course, the only person he would have felt comfortable sharing this with would have been Jack – if Jack hadn’t been the one that was the center of the issue.

“Your room?” Shawn finally asked, “Mine’s already occupied.”

David nodded, “Sure, there’s plenty of light out, so I wouldn’t expect Jack home from the garage for a few hours, at least,” he chuckled, “If he was only that enthralled with schoolwork Jack would surprise us all.”

Well, he’s currently surprising one of us, at least, Shawn thought humorously as they made their way down the hall. 

With Jack’s almost compulsive tidiness, which made little sense when one put into account that he always came home covered in grease; the room he shared with David was easily the best kept in the household.  David had once told him that even if he had been a complete slob the room would be spotless, because Jack wouldn’t allow even a sock to remain on the floor when it should be in a hamper.

David took up residency on his bed, and under normal circumstances Shawn would have taken the one across from him, but it was Jack’s, and right now that didn’t seem like the appropriate choice.  That left the floor, or the single wooden chair David kept at his desk.  He pulled the chair out, and sat down in it backwards, draping his arms across the back and exhaling audibly.

“Well?” David prompted.

Shawn glared, “This isn’t easy, you know.”

“Actually I don’t know; which is why we are in here,” his tone hadn’t changed, you had to know David to pick up when he was joking – sometimes it took one of Jack’s grins to let the entire room know. Clearly he was trying to help, but Shawn wasn’t in the mood for his not-so-witty remarks.  Maybe he didn’t want help.  Maybe it would be more convenient to simply pretend that he didn’t have this sudden reaction towards Jack.

“Don’t be an ass.”

“You can leave, if you’d rather.”

No, he didn’t ‘rather’.  He needed David, because if he didn’t tell someone he was going to lose his sanity. If it wasn’t David it would have to be Tony. Tony was a good friend, he accepted him, but somehow he thought discussing an attraction to Jack would be a bit too much for him. He couldn’t imagine trying to explain this to Ethan or Will, which left only David.

“It’s Jack,” he blurted.


Shawn lowered his eyes, and took a deep, almost ragged breath, “Look, you know I have been dreading the end of the term, and Yale, and all that bull shit that goes with it,” he paused to search for more air, “Well, I finally figured out why and now I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do about it, alright?”

“And ‘it’ is Jack?”

David’s voice was so damn certain, even if the words had been formed as a question, and Shawn realized he felt a little ill as his stomach turned.  He continued to advert his eyes, looking at someone and saying it aloud seemed impossible.

“Yes,” he mumbled.

“Look, Shawn,” his voice had softened, any hint of teasing gone from him. “It’s a bit hard for me to hold a conversation with you when you seem to be having one with yourself and your shoe simultaneously while trying to pretend I’m not in the room.  Look at me, will you?” Reluctantly Shawn met his request, and David continued, “What is it about Jack?”

“Don’t make me say it.”

“You want me to say it? Because if what I think you’re trying to tell me isn’t what you want to say it’s going to get damn uncomfortable in here for the both of us.”

Shawn rapped his fingers across the back of the chair, and threw caution to the wind, “I think I like him, I mean really like him.” He was so naïve when it came to relationships, he could count the number of men (and women for that matter, because there had been a time when he hadn’t quite wanted to believe what his body was telling him) that he had kissed on one hand. He had never been shy, before, but after, once he admitted to himself he wasn’t like everyone else; he suddenly was reserved with those he didn’t know. Ask him to stand up and give a speech or hold a debate and he could command a room, but throw him in a social situation and he could become a mumbling idiot; and it was worse if he was there without someone he knew. On the rare days that he was honest with himself he knew it all boiled down to the fact that he still wasn’t comfortable in his own skin.

Shawn had expected David to be surprised, but there was no sign of shock in his features, but he didn’t toss out his classic ‘I know’, either. This left Shawn trying to puzzle out his thoughts on the situation. You always expected David to know – even when he didn’t.

“How bad?” he asked.

“I don’t know, I just know I don’t want to leave this – whatever it is – undone to go traipsing off to Connecticut.  Even if it’s for Yale – but I can’t imagine telling him either.” His fingers continued to move across the back of the chair, playing a tuneless song without a piano. He hated the piano, hadn’t touched one in years, and yet when he was agitated his fingers moved almost subconsciously across imaginary keys. 

“If you feel that strongly, then you need to tell him.” The fingers froze.

“It’s Jack,” Shawn told him, referring to the obvious.

“All the more reason to tell him, if you don’t then you’re going to spend a very long time playing ‘what if’. Trust me.”

“And if he doesn’t feel the same?”

“Then you’ll know, it is Jack,” David repeated, and Shawn reflected ‘It’s Jack’ was becoming a mantra. “He isn’t going to hate you for it. The worst it will do is feed his ego.” He was trying to calm him, and Shawn was halfway appalled that it was working. In some weird twisted way he felt as if David was giving his approval – and Shawn shouldn’t need David’s approval, he shouldn’t need anyone’s. David was also irrevocably right, Jack wasn’t likely to berate him over a confession – and then Shawn would know. If Jack thought he was crazy he could somehow pick up the pieces, being on the other side of the country would have to make that easier – and if he didn’t – Shawn pushed the thought away. He wasn’t going to start thinking about that until he knew.

Voices floated in from the hallway, even through the closed door. Ethan and Will were home, and judging by the decibel of their words they were not bringing a quiet evening with them.

“Sometimes I think those two are caged animals,” David muttered. “Look, I’m going to round them and Tony up and get out of here for a few hours. You’ll have the place to yourself, you can clear your thoughts and then talk to Jack when he gets home.”

He hadn’t left room for further discussion, and even if he had, Shawn couldn't find reason to argue.

lilgryphon: (Ari)
( Mar. 9th, 2009 11:03 pm)
I originally intended for the concept of Black and White to take place in one of my books in the Rajala universe, but it didn't seem to be fitting in with the characters I had in mind for it.  So I tucked it away in the back of my mind and then about a week later Jack and David found their way into my head and the result was this.  I've got quite a few short stories in the works for these two, now that they've been created I can't seem to shut them up!!

            For the first time within memory David was having difficulties listening to a lecture.  His eyes were focused towards the front of the classroom, but severely to the left of his teacher, and falling on someone he was finding it increasingly difficult to turn away from.  Distraction was something he was unfamiliar with, a self-proclaimed bookworm, he actually liked to learn and relished in the hours he spent in history class.  Attempting to swerve his attention back to the lecture he forced his gaze to return to his teacher and caught only the word “west” before the sound of a pencil rolling across a desk brought mind and eyes right back to where they had been only a second previously. 
            The pencil fell to the floor, and the object of his ever-mounting obsession leaned down to pick it back up again.  For the briefest of moments their eyes locked, and David knew as he hastily looked away he was blushing.  A soft chuckle erupted behind him, no doubt escaping from the boy he would have only that morning described as his best friend, Jack.  If Jack was finding humor in the situation, David knew he would have to relinquish the title of friend, let alone, best.
            He hadn’t told Jack of this mounting attraction that seemed to only grow increasingly harder to deal with every passing day – he hadn’t told anyone.  Hell, he was still firmly in the denial stage of said attraction.  Unfortunatly, he may be the bookworm, the one whom Jack had copied notes from since they were seven, but Jack was far from stupid.  In fact, he knew Jack was undoubtedly picking up on exactly what was plaguing him; love was more Jack’s department anyway.
            Love?  When had it become that?  Sure his thoughts had just strayed to calling this – whatever it was – to love, but surely that didn’t make it fact.  Attraction?  Undeniably so.  A crush?  Perhaps.  But love?  How could you love someone that you had never even properly spoken to?  Well, perhaps Jack could, but David was not Jack, thank God.
            The bell dismissing class broke through his thoughts, or more accurately, ramblings.  When had it become so difficult to think?  Hastily he began shoving books, papers, and writing utensils back into his backpack, something under normal circumstances he would have shown more care.  After all, Jack would have teased, he wouldn’t want to chance bending or even worse, ripping, one of his precious books.  His history text was not cooperating with his haste, and seemed to somehow no longer fit as he tried to jam the zipper up on both sides of the bag.  Exasperated he pulled it out again, just as a pair of black jeans walked past the desk, leg brushing alongside the edge.  He froze, somehow forgetting to breathe, but the other person didn’t stop before exiting the classroom and was at that point, inconveniently replaced by Jack.
            “I saw that,” he commented, still chuckling.
            “Shut it,” David replied, pulling the text back out of the bag.  His current novel for English had fallen to the bottom, To Kill a Mockingbird.  In horror he realized as he pulled it out the cover had been slightly bent in one corner, causing him to groan before shoving the textbook back in his bag, which now seemed to fit perfectly.  The novel joined it and the task of closing the backpack was finally successful.  Somehow he felt as if he had just ran a marathon. 
            Jack was still snickering.
            “I thought I told you to shut it,” he muttered, standing up to finally shuffle out of the classroom.
            “You did, it’s just – priceless,” his friend managed between his continued laughter.
            “I have no idea what you are rambling about, Jack,” he told him, making his way down the hallway to his locker.  Thankfully history had been his last class, and home was only a short ride away – in Jack’s truck.
            “God, Dave, I’m not blind – nor stupid,” he took another sharp breath, “But I never thought I’d see you smitten with anyone, let alone another –”
            “If you want to remain my friend don’t you dare finish that thought here,” he warned.
            His threat only caused another outburst, “Alright, I’ll humor you and save it for the privacy of the ride home, but honestly, you know I’m the last one to care.  I’m shocked, truly, but I don’t care.”
            “Of course you don’t, Jack,” he told him, and then added softly under his breath, in an almost incoherent rush, “You’re practically a man-whore.”
            “I heard that.”
            “I know.”
            Somehow he reached his locker and some part of his conscious remembered his combination.  Jack, empty handed, and yet not feeling the need for anything from his own locker watched him gather books and binders for the weekend.  He was mostly silent, although a smile was still plastered to his face, and every few seconds of precious silence were only broken by another chuckle. 
            In response David slammed the metal door shut, and after twisting the lock for good measure began stalking down the hall towards the exit.  Jack trailed in his wake, still fully enjoying his friend’s displeasure.  The hallway was full of teenagers, and David suddenly wondered how obvious his affections were to them.  Did they all know?  Were they all looking at him differently now?  He had never been popular, but this wasn’t something he was willing to face.  Not yet, anyways.  After only a moment he dismissed the thought.  Jack knew him, which was why this new situation was so blatant to him, the others – hell, most of them couldn’t even remember his name, and those that did likely only knew it because he was the token class nerd.
            Finally they reached the parking lot.  The truck was unlocked, as always, and after flinging the door open David tossed his backpack inside, and clambered in himself.  Jack climbed in next to him on the bench seat and started the ignition.  The short walk had been the end of his salvation, they were now in the relative safety of the truck, and he knew he would rather die than have the conversation that was about to pass between them.
            “Shawn Collins?” Jack finally asked, obviously loosing the restraint he had held at David’s request, “I knew we were best friends, Dave, but I didn’t know that you were on my team.  I sure as hell don’t think Shawn is, either.”
            “I’m not ‘on your team’ as you so eloquently put it,” he snapped.
            “So you’ve said,” Jack mumbled, “And I always believed, ‘til now.”
            David reached out to fumble with the radio, turning up the volume in an attempt to drown out his friend. 
            Jack responded by switching it off, “Dave?” The humor was gone, his eyes filled with concern and his voice had turned somber.
            “Just drive,” he told him, turning away to stare out the window.
            For once, Jack didn’t argue.  He pulled out from the school parking lot letting the silence return, never breaking it as he made the short drive to their neighborhood.  Their houses were located on the same block, but it was David’s house that Jack parked his truck in front of.  It was always David’s house.  Jack spent more time there then he did at home, mostly because David had the closest thing he had known to a “real” family, and he hated being in the same room as his drunken father.  He only went home to sleep, and rarely even then, he had spent more nights then he could count on David’s floor or his couch.
            He switched off the ignition and finally broke the silence that he felt he had created, “You wanna talk about it?” He asked, warily.
            David shrugged, Jack was the last person he wanted to talk about Shawn with, and yet the only person he could, “Not here.”  He managed, opening the door to step out of the truck.
            They made their way inside, after David fought with his key on the front door.  His father had always sworn he would fix the stiff lock, but somehow never found the time.  Jack kicked off his shoes and flopped onto the couch, but David continued into the kitchen, only to return with two cokes and a bag of chips.  He tossed one can to Jack, forced the bag open, and grudgingly sat next to him.  Almost immediately the reoccurring silence returned, David simply concentrating on chewing, drinking, and staring at the paint chipping on a nearby wall.
            “I’m not gay,” he finally said, almost choking out the last word.
            Jack recoiled, “You got a problem with gays?”
            He rolled his eyes, “If I did do you think I would have stayed in the room with you last week when you were practically inhaling Anthony Waters?  God, Jack, if I had an issue with people who were gay, how do you think I would have reacted when you told me you were?”
            When Jack had come out to him three years ago, they were both barely fourteen.  His response had simply been, “I know.”  Which was followed quickly with, “I don’t care.”  Jack was in nearly every memory of his childhood, and he had suspected for a long time that he found other boys attractive.  It hadn’t bothered him, it was just Jack, the way he was, and trying to change it, or wishing it wasn’t so was just counter productive.  He had known that then, which only caused him to wonder why he didn’t know it about himself now.
            “It’s just – ” he waved his hand in the air, trying to grasp for words that just would not come to him, “I mean – dammit Jack, I’m not you.”
            “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”  He asked, clearly affronted. 
            “God, I dunno,” David forced himself to look, really look at his friend, “I just, Shawn Collins aside, I’m not attracted to men.  At least, I don’t think I am.”
            “And girls?” Jack responded pointedly. 
            “I don’t have time for girls.”
            “So you have time for Shawn Collins?”
            “I didn’t say that.”
            “Good, ‘cause honestly, Dave, I doubt he’d have time for you,” he added bluntly.
            Once again David found himself rolling his eyes, “You think I don’t know that?  This whole situation is a mess, it’s left me questioning everything I’ve ever known about myself and I don’t have time for that.”
            “You still didn’t answer me about girls.”
            “I – ” he stammered, “Yeah, not anyone in particular, defiantly not anyone in our school, but girls – women – I find them attractive.”
            “And Shawn, who is plainly not a girl.”
            David blushed, “Yes, and Shawn, which by the way, if you breathe a word of this to anyone I’m going to have to kill you.”
            “That, right there, shows how little you really know me,” he flashed him a smile, clearly trying to ease the tension, “Maybe your bi.”
            He shook his head, “I don’t think so, I mean, I don’t know if I could – ”
            “Or, maybe you just find him attractive because he is hot, even I know that, although may I add that his personality leaves something to be desired.  Sexuality just isn’t simple black and white, Dave.  It’s all a gray area; few people in this world are one hundred percent gay or straight, maybe no one.  I mean, I could rattle off a few actresses or models that I can truly appreciate and maybe even fantasize about – a little.  But that confession doesn’t make me straight.  And if you tell anyone that I’m the one who’ll have to do the killing.”
            “So what the hell am I then?”  It suddenly occurred to him that his voice was turning into a distinct whine, “Somewhere between eighty to ninety percent straight, with a tendency to fall for really attractive guys?”
            “No, a normal teenager with a crush, that will in all likelihood go away.  And if it doesn’t,” Jack shrugged, “Is it really the end of the world if you are gay?  You already know your parents won’t care, and that I won’t care, so really, you won’t have that whole phase where you need to worry if your family will kill you when they find out.  You can’t change it if you are, but if it’s any comfort to you, I doubt your gay.  I think you would have had some inclination if you were long before Shawn Collins.”
            David exhaled; somehow all at once it was easier to breathe again.  Gay or straight, it didn’t really matter.  You are who you are, Jack had taught him that long ago. 

            As it turned out, Jack was right, which he eerily was more often than not.  Eventually David stopped loosing all thought when Shawn Collins stepped into the room, and although he could still point out attractive men with Jack he never had an actual urge to act on it.  In fact, two years later he met and fell in love with Emily while in collage, and three years after that they were wed.  Jack was his best man.  His date, however, was Shawn Collins; they had been together for four years.  Turned out he really was on Jack’s team.




lilgryphon: (Default)


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